From T:
OK, as the three of you who actually follow this blog may have noticed, I haven't been blogging for several months. The main reason for this is that I've been going through a divorce since June 2010. As difficult as that is to admit, it's the truth. I didn't want to share that for quite a while because it's been important for me to make this blog about fatherhood and not about divorce. But, as my com-padre Josh pointed out: Just because I'm going through a divorce doesn't mean I'm no longer a dad. I'm still very actively involved in my daughter's life and she remains the most important thing in my universe. The experience of fatherhood has changed, but the love I feel for my daughter hasn't changed.
Also, through this process I'm realizing that I'm not alone - MANY dad's are currently going through the same thing. And it sucks. And if I can somehow alleviate the sucky-ness for other new dads by sharing my experience - and giving them a platform to share THEIR experiences - then that's an important aspect of fatherhood, too.
So now that I've gotten that out of the way, I'll just say a couple of things about divorce in general and this particular divorce to clarify (without getting into the gory details):
1) She wanted the divorce. I didn't. Apparently she found another man that she felt was more suited to her needs. That's it. The rest is smoke-and-mirrors and lots of horse dung flung in both directions.
2) 70% of divorces are decided by the woman. Did you know that? I found that shocking until I started talking to other dads whose wives filed for divorce. I always had the misconception that it was usually the man. Or that it was usually the man's fault somehow.
3) It takes 2 to tango. I was VERY judgmental about people who divorced. I thought that on some level the couple hadn't tried hard enough. In some ways I still believe that to be true. But the fact is: If one of you doesn't want to be married to the other - for whatever reason - there's not a whole lot the other one can do. (Except for getting a good lawyer and some prescription drugs. I highly recommend both.) Marriage is hard work and it takes two people who are BOTH committed to doing the hard work in order to stay together.
OK, now that I got that out of the way, I can get back to blogging about what's REALLY important: the awesome business of being a dad!
Much love,
-t.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Saturday, January 15, 2011
A Whole Lotta Love
I am obsessed with my daughter. I honestly cannot believe how in love I am with her. Not all crazy weird, but... crazy weird. I never knew I could love someone so much. It's totally nuts. Now when I met my wife, I thought, whoa, LOVE. Now I just feel for my own mother, the hell I put her through, the intense discipline problem I was and still am, the fact that no matter what they tell you, you will never be prepared for what's in store. I honestly dig hanging out with my daughter, I get all butt hurt when she's not down. "NOOOO DADDDY!!!" This means she wants just Mommy, "NOOOOOO MOMMMY", the opposite, she just wants to hang with me. Before work she wanted me to "GET UP DADDY" and chase her little ass all over the house... I almost died. I am seriously out of shape, and seriously in trouble. She's got alot of energy, totally speaks in full sentences, knows exactly what she wants and how to express it, and well she's a looker, BIG TROUBLE. She's only 22 months. She was wearing big girl panties tonight. Digging how they didn't feel like a diaper, it's either that or "I wanna be NUDIE" she says. Oh my lord, please help me, all those years of philandering are coming back to bite me in the ass.
I know my wife would like to add to the family, but seriously, that would be so financially irresponsible. Isn't that sick, that's one of the reason's I don't want to have another child yet, because I cannot afford it. And part of me is afraid of the love, that's a full time
gig, all that loving. Sometimes if feels like my hearts going to explode, like a potato in the microwave. Still, it puts life in perspective, no matter how much money you make, or whatever it is I do, this is what it's all about....
A Whole Lotta Love
-J
I know my wife would like to add to the family, but seriously, that would be so financially irresponsible. Isn't that sick, that's one of the reason's I don't want to have another child yet, because I cannot afford it. And part of me is afraid of the love, that's a full time
gig, all that loving. Sometimes if feels like my hearts going to explode, like a potato in the microwave. Still, it puts life in perspective, no matter how much money you make, or whatever it is I do, this is what it's all about....
A Whole Lotta Love
-J
Friday, December 10, 2010
All Aboard!
Children's programing is tripping me out. Seriously. My daughter is obsessed with Dinosaur Train. Last night as I sat with my wife, I can hear my daughter speaking in her sleep. "Dinosaur Train."
What the hell is going on? I don't even like her watching T.V. but after awhile you get broken down. Straight up Git-mo Bay style. My wife looks like she's just done 15 rounds with a young hard hitting George Forman, and I have my head so far up my own ass, I am useless. So the T.V. finally comes on (if I am lucky, there's a break smack in the middle of the Dinosaur Train, at 15 minutes, where I turn it off.) Tonight, was really cool though, we sat in the recliner, my daughter with her "cow milk"(she's knows the difference and likes to show off that she knows), me with my loud brain screaming "you better make more money or you're all going to die", and we watched as the dinosaurs stomped around with their feet. "I am mad" the green bird says, "I stomp because it's fun" says the purple little meat eater. There we were, two peas in a pod and at the 15 minute mark, BAMM! OFF went the T.V. I thought I was slick, making sure I can regulate while I am still bigger than her...My daughter put up a bit of a fuss, looking up as if to say, "Are you f-in serious man, I know there's 15 more minutes of this thing, I maybe small, but I am not as stupid as you dad. This is MY show! Gimme break" but then, afterwards, she decided to dismount off the recliner, and show me how she too can stomp around. I joined her, we smiled, the house shaking, was it dancing? Hell, if I know, I don't really care, it was fun. It was a moment where we were just hanging... Doing our thing. Later, as I was getting my keys, she looked at me, and said: "bye dad." She knows my routine, she watches me like an undercover cop on a stake out. Dismissing me, to move back to my wife. I am not into the downloading heat waves off the flat screen and the possible warp of the brain it puts on all of us, especially her little head, but if she likes it, she likes it. I can allow some time, some escape from the norm, it's not like she's watching mixed marital arts or better yet horror flicks. It's some dinosaurs for crying out loud, and for the most part they resolve conflict fast... All aboard!!!
-J
What the hell is going on? I don't even like her watching T.V. but after awhile you get broken down. Straight up Git-mo Bay style. My wife looks like she's just done 15 rounds with a young hard hitting George Forman, and I have my head so far up my own ass, I am useless. So the T.V. finally comes on (if I am lucky, there's a break smack in the middle of the Dinosaur Train, at 15 minutes, where I turn it off.) Tonight, was really cool though, we sat in the recliner, my daughter with her "cow milk"(she's knows the difference and likes to show off that she knows), me with my loud brain screaming "you better make more money or you're all going to die", and we watched as the dinosaurs stomped around with their feet. "I am mad" the green bird says, "I stomp because it's fun" says the purple little meat eater. There we were, two peas in a pod and at the 15 minute mark, BAMM! OFF went the T.V. I thought I was slick, making sure I can regulate while I am still bigger than her...My daughter put up a bit of a fuss, looking up as if to say, "Are you f-in serious man, I know there's 15 more minutes of this thing, I maybe small, but I am not as stupid as you dad. This is MY show! Gimme break" but then, afterwards, she decided to dismount off the recliner, and show me how she too can stomp around. I joined her, we smiled, the house shaking, was it dancing? Hell, if I know, I don't really care, it was fun. It was a moment where we were just hanging... Doing our thing. Later, as I was getting my keys, she looked at me, and said: "bye dad." She knows my routine, she watches me like an undercover cop on a stake out. Dismissing me, to move back to my wife. I am not into the downloading heat waves off the flat screen and the possible warp of the brain it puts on all of us, especially her little head, but if she likes it, she likes it. I can allow some time, some escape from the norm, it's not like she's watching mixed marital arts or better yet horror flicks. It's some dinosaurs for crying out loud, and for the most part they resolve conflict fast... All aboard!!!
-J
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Conflicted
My wife and my daughter and I "co-sleep". Let the judging begin. No we are not hippies, no we don't believe in the cry it out method, yes we have read every frickin book out there, we just made the decision and have been sticking it out, and YES, it's gnarly on the relationship and we probably are totally fucking up our kid, but hey, give us a break, and give me a break, like I have a choice, I don't have the BOOB. It's been 22 months and tonight as I work my horrible overnight shift that doesn't pay the bills and keeps me at a low grade terror hum, I received the text... they both laid down in my child's room on a little thin mattress, and yes... wait for it... she's sleeping there by herself, not my wife, she's pacing the grounds, my daughter is sound asleep. This was after she stated she must have a snack and use the potty mind you, again not my wife, my daughter said this to my wife. She also chose to walk back into her room in which she has never before used as a resting spot.
I am not sure if we are excited to have our own bed back? Or if we are duly distraught not to have "the missing link of the trinity/entity" occupying our love nest? I will find out tomorrow as I slip into bed after work for that one hour we are all together, will my daughter be there (I secretly hope so and kind of hope not) or will my wife be ALONE, (cue 70s funk music in the background, "I'm here to deliver the pizza".) Either way its yet another transition in the never ending saga of being a new dad. I love both my girls, my wife and my daughter, and although the lack of physical gymnastics has taken its toll on my wife and I by having our daughter rule the roost, she's only going to be so willing to sleep in our bed for so long, I was getting used to it, and enjoying the moment, enjoying the bonding we are grateful to be present for. Look, I'm sure I will get over it, I mean I need to be of service to my wife for crying out loud but I remain.... "Conflicted".
-J
I am not sure if we are excited to have our own bed back? Or if we are duly distraught not to have "the missing link of the trinity/entity" occupying our love nest? I will find out tomorrow as I slip into bed after work for that one hour we are all together, will my daughter be there (I secretly hope so and kind of hope not) or will my wife be ALONE, (cue 70s funk music in the background, "I'm here to deliver the pizza".) Either way its yet another transition in the never ending saga of being a new dad. I love both my girls, my wife and my daughter, and although the lack of physical gymnastics has taken its toll on my wife and I by having our daughter rule the roost, she's only going to be so willing to sleep in our bed for so long, I was getting used to it, and enjoying the moment, enjoying the bonding we are grateful to be present for. Look, I'm sure I will get over it, I mean I need to be of service to my wife for crying out loud but I remain.... "Conflicted".
-J
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